The Musings of a Delhi Driver: Caution I Drive Like You

Hey all you losers and idiots and stupids out there……

Feel privileged that I am sharing a bit of my life story with you. You know I am a very important person and therefore it is your amazing luck that I am allowing you the opportunity to take a peek at my life.

I am a proud car owner of Delhi, the capital of India, one of the world’s greatest countries with one of the ancient civilizations, biggest democracy…….blah-blah….. Like I said I am a very important person.

What??? Did you ask me why I am an important person? Let me politely tell you again that I am a very proud owner of a car in Delhi. Isn’t that a reason important enough to be an important person? After all it is the first car in my entire family! Got it now you dimwit?

Still not convinced? Have a look at my car and you will be assured of my VIP status. See, it has got a VIP registration number, see that? It is DL 9C 0857……. I knew you would not know my VIP status looking at my registration plate. Let me tell you the the first war of Independence against the British happened in the year 1857. My car’s registration number is 1000 short of 1857. Isn’t it a special number only for VIPs? To make up for the lost 1000, I wage a thousand wars on the Delhi roads everyday against the other imbecile drivers of Delhi.

 

Delhi's Traffic Mess: Look at all those mad drivers. They should learn from me

 

I tell you Delhi is filled with insensitive and uneducated drivers who have no traffic sense. I am a very good driver and an important person. My car might be a small one, but to make up for my lack of horse power I have music power with my loud in-car stereo which pumps out as much as my engine of the car punches out. So if you see a small car zipping and you hear “Billon challa manggdi….” from your 10^th floor apartment, be rest assured that it is me driving. And though my car is small, I never drive under the speed limit. Speed limits are for idiots.

You know, I do not use the word “idiot”. I use a Hindi word for it, “Ch***a”. Thats what these other imbeciles on the road are. I wish like telling it to them. But then my lung power won’t carry it in noisy Delhi. So I use the air horn in my car.

One honk is the abuse to your sister….

Two is an abuse to your mother…..

More the honks, the more I am going up the value chain. After all Delhi is the city with maximum number of abuses rained per number of sentences spoken. But, I tell you the other Ch***a Delhites abuse un-necessarily. I am, on the other hand, a very sparing abuser.

Delhi is full of these out of their mind drivers. And there is population. I have devised some ingenious ways to beat all these drivers. I am always racing. I will never give you free passage. Why should I? You are not my brother/uncle/friend….. Fend for yourself!

Like I said I am a very important person. Therefore I can not wait anywhere. I hate queues. If I could, I would keep the number of english alphabets down to 25, take out that stupid questionable alphabet and quash it forever as a fitting way to protest against queues!

If you are driving to a toll plaza in a queue, I will come from one side and blast my way through. You have to consider VIPs rights for me don’t you?

Then I never drive in a straight line. It would take me ages to reach my destination driving like that. So I weave my way through the traffic. I pride that no one can predict what am I going to do next. I always have the right of the way. And it is defined as “if I can squeeze my way through you by hook or by crook, I have the right of the way”. If I am coming behind your car and you are not giving me a passage you surely do not love your sisters/mother etc.

 

Blasting my way through while talking loudly on my cell phone- I pay road tax and mobile bill- I have all the right to do it this way!

I read in one of the scholarly articles that driving is a social skill and the guys with good social values are good drivers. I completely believe it. My social skills are legendary. I ignore all my flat dwellers. I never wish them or greet them. In fact, I remember them not with their names but with incidents. Like the Vermas are the ones with whom I fought over whose turn was it at the milk booth, Sharmas are the one with whom I fought for…….etc etc.

I always talk to the laborers, electricians, plumbers with abuses. What to do? They do not listen to you otherwise.

So, with these great social skills I am bound to be a good driver, isn’t it?

But do not think I will be always as cordial as I have mentioned.

You mess with me and you will be sorry. A few days back, I was taking a turn while a rickshaw puller hit my car scratching my car body. I gave him quite a mouthful and made him pay 200 bucks for his bad driving. On top of it I slapped him for accusing me of turning without giving an indication. “Why mother***** you have indicators in your rickshaw????”

So do not equate my general nicety with docility.

Sometimes driving can be boring, like when I am stuck at a traffic light. By the way, I call the traffic lights as “Red Lights”. So in these red-light zones I get bored of waiting for action. So I stare at people and specially at women. These days there are a lot of women drivers. If they ignore my stares at the red-lights, I let them go ahead and then overtake them to cut into their lanes scaring them. Its is so funny ha-ha-ha-ha! Scaring women drivers- I love it.

 

I love women drivers- I sacre them, I gesture at them, I pass comments at them - I am loving it!

 

So, in a nutshell I am a very affable person with great driving skills and good core values of Indian middle class. But I am an important person as I am a car owner cum driver in Delhi. Ok, I have reached my apartment complex. My reserved parking is far from the lift, so what do I do? Well I park my car in someone else’s parking space. Let that Ch***a break his head.

Before I sign off, next time you see my car just let me pass first otherwise you are just inviting trouble for not being courteous to an important person like me. Caution, I drive like you!

-Manasij Ganguli

manasij.ganguli@gmail.com

+91 7838237844

Tags: Cars, Delhi, Driving, India